Susan David on Getting through the pandemic with greater wisdom
Right now we are facing one
of the biggest challenges in our lives: a global pandemic which is forcing us
to stay within our homes or distance ourselves from our family, friends, and
neighbors. It’s a time full of uncertainty, anxiety, and sadness, and it’s easy
to get overwhelmed with these tough emotions.
On the one hand, we might
obsessively brood on our feelings, struggling to sleep in the face of
discouraging statistics or overthinking a minor quarrel with a spouse. On the
other, we might bottle our emotions, blindly pursuing a sense of normalcy that
right now doesn’t truly exist, or rationalizing our way out of them (“I
shouldn’t be sad.”). Our culture often dictates the idea that natural emotions
are either good or bad, positive or negative, and we can find ourselves forcing
happiness rather than observing how we are actually feeling. Now, don’t get me
wrong. I’m not anti-happiness. I like being happy. I’m a pretty happy person.
But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our
capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it
to be. Now is not the time for white-knuckled control. Instead, it’s the time
to cultivate the wisdom and courage to move forward with emotional agility.
The pyramid model I’ve
developed (above) illustrates the critical steps we can follow to deal with
both the reality of our present and the emotions that come with this reality,
in a healthy way. The steps outlined can leave us more resilient and stronger than
ever.
- Gentle Acceptance:
As much as we want to, we cannot control every situation–especially a
global pandemic. There is no value in struggling to deny or suppress
feelings of anxiety, hopelessness or grief. This only makes us feel worse.
By showing up to a difficult situation and accepting it, we are freed up
to move beyond it. Acceptance is the prerequisite for positive change.
- Compassion: You
must be kind to yourself. These are not normal times: tens of thousands of
people are dying and losing their livelihoods. Recognize with kindness
that you are trying to live your life and juggle competing demands in
abnormal circumstances. Give yourself a break and let go of perfectionism.
Now is not the time for perfection but for forgiveness and flexibility. Also,
see if you can let go of judging others. They, too, are doing the best
they can. You don’t have insight into the history of the woman who is
hoarding food or what it is she has seen in her past, but she is scared.
Try to broaden your scope.
- Routine: Human
beings need routine in order to maintain a sense of order. It’s the glue
that holds us together from day to day. When we are faced with the
unfamiliar, we tend to fill in the gaps with fear. We are currently away
from our routines–working from home, homeschooling, and living in close
quarters with others. We are adapting to unprecedented circumstances. This
can be scary. So let’s fill in the gaps of the unknown with things that
are comfortable, familiar, and connected with our values. Healthy routines
are essential, specifically those associated with sleep, exercise and
eating. Our bodies and minds are so interconnected and our physical health
is reflected in our psychological state. Try to ground yourself during the
course of the day by incorporating experiences that are reminiscent of
your normal lifestyle. Whether that means waking up at the time you
normally would to commute to work or maintaining your family tradition of
Friday movie night, the preservation of these small habits will give you
comfort. Remember that it may not be possible to adhere to all aspects of
your regular routine and approach this new reality with grace instead of
rigidity.
- Connection: It’s
important to note that “social distancing” is really physical distancing.
Connection is so important, now more than ever. Even though you cannot be
in someone’s physical presence, you can continue to nourish your
relationships, especially if you’re feeling lonely. You need that support.
Also, if safe, make sure to hug your child and/or partner. Put down your
phone and laugh with your family, play games, do puzzles.
- Courage:
Research now shows that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions–even
the messy, difficult ones–is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving, and
true, authentic happiness. But courage is more than just the acceptance of
emotions. Our emotions are data that tells us what we’re missing in our
lives. A ‘guilty’ parent might be missing real connection with her child.
Grief is love, looking for its home – reminding us of the our special
times. Slow down and face into your difficult emotions with courage. What
you find there will signpost to you how to make better decisions and take
values-based actions.
- Reset:
This is the time for reflection. What priorities did you once have that no
longer seem important? What parts of ‘normal’ do you not want to rush back
to? Gather your data, keep a journal, and reflect on what you learn about
yourself. This information is valuable and it will guide you as you move
forward.
- Wisdom:
Life’s beauty is inseparable from its fragility. We are young until we are
not. We walk down the streets sexy until one day we realize that we are
unseen. We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees. The only
certainty is uncertainty, and once we realize this as truth, the healthier
and more authentically happier we will be. When I was little, I would wake
up at night terrified by the idea of death. My father would comfort me
with soft pats and kisses. But he would never lie. “We all die, Susie,” he
would say. “It’s normal to be scared.” He didn’t try to invent a falsely
positive buffer between me and reality. It took me a while to understand
the power of how he guided me through those nights. What he showed me is
that courage is not an absence of fear; courage is fear walking.
Our time on this earth is all
too short and all too precious. Life is asking us all right now–are you agile?
Let the answer be an unreserved “yes.” It’s a yes borne of a correspondence
with your own heart–in seeing yourself for who you truly are. Because in seeing
yourself, you are also able to see others, too: the only sustainable way
forward in a fragile, beautiful world.
